some thoughts

I got accepted into the social work program at OSU. I’m looking forward to getting school finished up here eventually and moving on with life. I’m actually excited about the potential of the future…

—

Thursday evening I went to a memorial service in regards to the Virginia Tech Massacre put on by the InterVarsity Staff. I have been having a pretty tough time, as I’m sure you and many others as well, in trying to “understand” what has happened. It is scary for me, cause although still not quite at home, Virginia Tech could easily of been Ohio State, or Kansas State, or Michigan, or USC, or Alabama, or Florida. I think of the pain that I feel now, again, and it is similar to that initial pain and shock of 9/11 and other horrible events that have happened in my life time.

I’m also trying to remember the pain of walking trhough Toul Sleng, and now looking back on it, it stings even more. The “freshness”, for lack of a better word, of these killings seem to bring an ugly reality back into my mind of the world I live in and the world I want to see change.

I think of the things I am ignorant of, the other senseless killings that I do not hear about, or do not care about, cause they don’t really affect me and this bugs me. I feel like I get slapped in the face with something like VT, yet I still cannot fathom the pain and feeling of loss the families, and friends feel. What will it take to change? I don’t really know what else to say, but these are some things that I have been thinking of…not to mention the immense sadness and anger I feel, not towards the individual attacker perse, but towards hate and violence in general. How is the chain of anger, hatred, violence broken?

I have not seen much on the news, because at my house we do not have a great tv…but I did just look around on youtube a bit and I must say that some of the comments I have read in regards to the Virginia Tech videos are severely disturbing. I have been a user of internet forums and what not for years now, so I aware that the internet, and the availability to hide behind a screen promotes idiots…but my God…some of the things I read literally made me feel sick to my stomach.

The day after all of this I was at Jimmy John’s trying to eat my #9 Italian, which is probably the best sub in the world, and I finish it every time I get it…but that day I could not eat but half of it. Just this knot in my stomach that would not pass. You know, I feel almost silly writing some of these thoughts out…I think writing, or speaking, is good…for things…but I have really struggled with trying to talk about what happened.

What can I say? What can I do? What can I think, except how screwed up this entire thing is? And I know, that there are many other things outside this tradegy, outside America that goes on, although I am not aware of them all, but in regards to my country, this has hit home with me with a bit more punch, at least for now. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t feel right saying much. All I can do is to think, and state the obvious. I cannot pretend to have an answer, for this, or other ugly things that have happened.

I feel anger towards those that are already trying to pretend to have answers; those that are trying to blame this and that; those that are continuing the process that hatred and violence and evil; through their words, thoughts, and ideas…which will in turn create more violence.

For those that died in this tradegy and others, I’m sorry; I mourn. I will try my best to not fulfill the anger and hatred and evil and violence that acts like these create. I will not be motivated by fear or hatred.

—

I realize I am ignorant to the feeling/emotion of loved ones loss. I cannot fathom the real pain, anger, hatred, that some of those that lost their loved ones must feel. I cannot fathom forgiving this man as I am to believe, is plausible. I cannot fathom, because I have not experienced.

All I can do is remember the ones that died that day, and the countless others who have died before them and do my best to do what I know is right. God help me. I know I can’t do it on my own.

- Jordan

no title.

John and Allison are back. I haven’t spoken to Allison yet but I shall try and get in contact with her soon. John is unfortunately not feeling so well and said he was going to the doctor today. I really hope he feels better soon and gets over whatever is messing with him.

I know I don’t have any videos up yet and trust me when I say it is really pissing me off. Hah. I’m having a friend resize the videos cause most of them are over the max 100mb limit that youtube enforces. I really want to get them up by the end of the week. I don’t know how many people from Central Vineyard have seen those kids in action, but it really is amazing, and I just want people (both @ CV and abroad) to get to share a piece of some of our interactions with the kids…or just my random clips of them.

There is a really cool video, I think, of John singing to them during dinner that I really love and I think you will too. Well, I love them all, but that one is cool to me for some reason?

In a totally unrelated note…something I have never understood about myself is how freaking much of a wallflower I am. It is annoying to admit, or state, but it is such a reality for me. I can go back for most of my life with examples, but most recently just thinking about myself at stupid parties, or get-togethers with people I don’t know I just stick to a wall and have the hardest time starting convo’s with people.

If I am with a group of my friends, there are no problems…friends as in people that really know me and I really know. But if I’m just with a friend or two at some function, party, wedding, meeting?…whatever, it’s like I’m not even there. It’s kinda weird and annoys me, honestly. I know I’m introverted, but I don’t like to think of myself as shy. It just seems that sometimes more than others I really suck at ‘getting in there’ and going after meeting new people that I would like to meet.

Case in point, last night at Jeff’s house. I’ve (loosely) started going to Central Vineyard (CV) more often and would like to continue and so I went to this little deal at Jeff’s house with a bunch of people who also have started going to CV in the last 6 months…anyways, cause now I’m really rambling and probably for no real good reaon…I just feel so awkward in those situations. It is not intimidation, or a lack of confidence in striking up conversations with people, I just suck at doing it. I wish I could wear a sign that says sometimes, “I’m here, I just lack initiative, and would like to meet you”. Although, that statement is probably not 100% truthful. Sometimes I not really there (my mind wanders easily), sometimes I do not lack the initiative, and sometimes I don’t want to meet “you”, but that is probably rare…lest I wouldn’t be writing this now, right? Yea. I think that’s correct.

Weird, isn’t it?

It’s just that sometimes I think I could come off as ‘not friendly’ or ‘avoidant’ when I’m really not…nor am I socially awkward, but my God do I struggle with this “wallflower” syndrome, a lot. An old habit of mine used to be to drink a few beers, or a lot, and then I could just do a basic trait that most people have no problems with. I don’t do this anymore, although I will have a beer when I go out, but it used to be like, here let me drink 4 beers just so I can go talk to this girl. God, that was miserable and I know I was too.

But it’s still there, and last night I just felt this weird depression as I left Jeff’s house; which I know is my fault…but it just bugs me, why I can’t get over this? I know I’m missing out. Bleh. It’s something I’ve actually decided to start praying about cause it’s become such a burden…which probably isn’t the best reason to pray for something? But I’ve never really come to this sort of realization that maybe if I include God in this problem of mine, err in helping me overcome it?, and not a substance, I’ll overcome the problem and not just treat the symptoms. I dunno…but I know.

I did talk to a few people who knew me from this blog in regards to the trip to Cambodia; and I’m happy about that. I feel like that is something I could talk about for hours with any person in the world…anywho, this has run on enough…I’m really trying to asses this and do something about it; not just be introspective and whatever. Introspection annoys me, really. Well, at least when it is taken to extremes.

—

Ok, now to really just change the entire topic…Am I a total jerk, cause I have the hardest time not making fun of people that get married young. Ok, not make fun of them; I have a few friends who have, and I love them…but my goodness I must be the biggest cynic about marriage and people that do it like a year after highschool. Or two, or three, or four, or five, or six. I dunno. Not a lot of things bug me, and this doesn’t really either, and I’m not really an “opinionated person”, at least I don’t think so (case in point), but I am def. a cynic at times and this is something that I just can’t help but laugh at.

And I don’t think I really have any reason for this…feeling…I’m not against marriage…but I just think it is funny as hell to get married in that 18 – 22 age range (my range may be a bit larger, but I’m not 100% sure). Man, this shows how much of a jerk I am…haha. Whatever. I’m proud to say this is one of the few generalizations (maybe the only one, I’d have to think more in-depth, but right now I’m not picking anything up) I have of a, presumably, large group of people.

Oh, and I suppose a disclaimer. I know it is popular among some men to look down on marriage because it means, well ideally, that you will only be having sex with one woman for the rest of your life…and that just isn’t “cool” to some. I do not hold my views for those reasons, at all, as I am not a womanizer. So just in case my above comments were putting off that vibe, let me set you straight. I just have this very cynical view of marriage at a young age. I can’t really put my finger on it entirely. Let’s just say since I’m not a very opinionated person, I’m allowed to be on this subject and therefore it is not an opinion but rather a truth. A fact. Hah, yes. Score. looool. I just re-read most of the above and I want to be the first to say that it is totally random and there is no point to it except the fact that I was just thinking about it now…oh and I’m totally serious.

Ok, that’s enough. This blog is evidence of why I should only blog when I’m doing something productive. Hah. My flow of thought has done me in.

Ok x2..one more thing. I finally got to speak with Rahm (if I mispelled your name I’m sorry, please correct me…if you happen to read this) more and that was good times. I’m hoping to be able to start to check out Inner-Varsity (I think that’s the name, yea?) on campus. I’ll probably go through some of the above symptoms, but whatever…Rahm is a really cool guy and I’d like to check out what is going on with that whole deal. I had meant to go prior to Cambodia, but I was so busy with school (doing all my papers, preparing for my exams that I would be taking 2 weeks earlier) I really didn’t feel like I had time to go. I probably could have eeked my way into it, or something..but my goodness I was stressed and selfish.

Alright, that was a good note. Later.

- Jordan

All of my Angkor Wat photo’s can be found at my photobucket under Cambodia 07 > Angkor Wat.

I ran out of batteries that day, so I didn’t get a complete view of the grounds, however John took a lot of pix that I ended up missing, so hopefully I can get those eventually and upload them as well. For now, here are a few:

Jeff at Angkor Wat

Toul Sleng

Bed frame from an interrogation room at Toul Sleng

Read

Detained Boy

I have all of my pictures on my computer and am slowing getting them onto my photobucket album. There is a link over to the right for it.

I should have videos up eventually. Youtube is being ridiculous right now and I have to compress some of the videos as well.

- Jordan

wow

I feel kinda out of it and I think I may be coming down with a cold, or something. I got a sorethroat about 4 days before my trip and got some anti-biotics I took with me and I thought got rid of it. However, within 15 minutes of getting off the flight to Columbus I started feeling not so good again. Bleh. Hopefully this passes and is nothing more than a little reaction to the severe climate differences…but I feel really tired still which is probably cause of the time change and stuff. I got up today at like…5pm which isn’t good. I’m going to try and get to bed tonight by like 1 or 2 if possible and start to get my schedule back on Ohio time.

I spoke with Adrienne briefly and Jeff had some blood work done and has been resting around the house…but hopefully whatever he has passes soon so he can get back to his normal self.

On the boat with Mey Nearng

Alright, later.

- Jordan

new meaning

Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can’t be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (you won’t catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first

Mmmm what do you say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm what do you say,
Mmmm that’s all for the best?
ah of course it is
Mmmm what do you say?
Mmmm that it’s just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm what do you say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no I don’t believe you
you don’t care a bit,
you don’t care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don’t believe you
you don’t care a bit,
you don’t care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don’t care a bit
oh no, you don’t care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don’t care a bit
you don’t care a bit
you don’t care a bit

—

I used to listen to this song from time to time and I for some reason caught it today and it really moved me in regards to a lot of what I saw/experienced over in Cambodia (especially the first few versus — or w/e you call them). I don’t know; perhaps for those of you who have been there (or have been in similar situations) will make a connection, maybe not. I think there are obvious parrallels and then as the song wanes, the different personal interpretations do as well, at least…it has for me. For instance, the lines, “you don’t care a bit” is kind of bugging me. I know there are people that do “care” but I think of all of those that don’t care, or haven’t cared, including myself; and I wish it was possible to get more people to care, even if just a bit. I know it’s possible, but it just is so easy to hide and never to seek. So I guess the song was telling me to seek, and not to hide. Even if you have hidden before, and may again, don’t give up on the search.

Personally, I keep thinking of Toul Sleng the most, the cries echoing from man, woman, and child being murdered are sepping through the song and it is as if I’m re-experiencing that half day we spent at Toul Sleng again. It is so frustrating to think that so many were murdered never to understand why (if one that is innocenent really can ever understand murder), or why no one seemed to care. I know some of the lyrics are slightly vague or straight up don’t make 100% sense, but I havn’t been able to really put that experience — Toul Sleng — into any real words yet, and for some reason this song is just like all my emotions coming out. Not to mention, Toul Sleng, and other atrocities that have happened across time don’t make sense either, and are impossible to explain why (except for the fact that evil does exist — but I still cannot wrap my mind around this evil that seems to drive certain persons, groups, individuals, governments, instituations, etc., etc.); so perhaps the vagueness or the abstract is approriate.

There are other bits of the song that remind me of Cambodia, outside of the Toul Sleng experience, but I’m glad that Asia’s Hope does care and gives life/opportunity (on many different terms) to those that otherwise would fall under the category of those people that the song is singing about.

I’m glad that through others actions I’ve started to care more again. It makes me want to return the favor.

Anyways, that is a glimpse of what that song now represents for me (as best I can briefly describe). I will not be able to listen to it again in the way I have in the best.

And I think, “where am I?” and, “what the hell is going on?” are two good questions to think about from time to time.

- Jordan

ya

So I’m spending the night here at my parents getting all my clothes clean and stuff; should be back down on Neil Ave. tonight…it feels odd being home…I do wish I were still back in Cambodia…although just about anywhere sounds good right now. Well, almost.

It was nice coming home to really cold weather, my throat seemed to except it well. Hah. Sike. My throat started hurting about 15 minutes into getting off the plane and into the cold Ohio air. Kinda a bummer.

I’m currently uploading a few pictures I had left on my camera to my computer. Jeff has the rest of mine, and John’s, on his ipod. I plan on getting those tomorrow and hopefully getting all the images uploading over the next few days. At the time, we have over 3k images, and a few vides I took, so it may take a while getting everything online. I doubt I’ll upload everything anyways, but still…it should take some time.

I’ve been already trying to think of what I can do back here to stay ‘pro-active’ or whatever, cause it really is just to easy to fall back into the day to day process of living. Going to school, coming home, all other things inbetween, yada yada yada. This isn’t really part of a “plan” I have, but I do plan on making use of the — hopefully — good weather and start running more when I go to the gym on campus. I haven’t been in great shape for a while and I think this would be a good time to start.

But I mean more along the lines of what I should do while I’m here. I dunno, maybe sounds stupid…I just get bored, easily…and I’ve been bored often in Columbus. Probably mostly my own fault but I don’t know, there seem to be a lot of people I know that get bored with things around here. I’m kinda tired of that, it’s not a fun way to live…especially after coming home from a trip in which I feel like I did more in a few days that I have done in the last…meh…year or so. That may be a bit of an overstatement, but if it is, I don’t think by much. And I’m not sure if that is good or bad…or kinda inbetween and will be decided later. Hah.

Without sounding or being too negative…I think there are a few things that will be different now. I’d like to be able to spend more time having out with Jeff and John; so perhaps once Jeff gets well and John gets back that will be a possibiltiy. I dunno…this is not good rambling, I’m actually kinda stumped here thinking about what to do and just filling space waiting for my pictures to upload…which I may say, are taking a long time. I’m using photobucket and they have this program you can use which automatically uploads images for you, as oppossed to manually uploading a max of 20 at a time..but this seems to be taking forever. I’m currently at 15/133 files and they have been uploading for atleast 5-7 minutes. Meh, enough about that…back on subject(s).

I guess one option to ‘shake’ things up a bit would be contacting the people at the Clintonville Resource Center again and see if they still have a job for me. I did some volunteer time there for my recommendation letter to the social work program at OSU and while I was there they told me they have a need for someone to help out with kids I think from like 3 to 6 a few days out of the week. I think that would be cool…I just hope I wouldn’t suck at it, lol…not to mention that it may be unavailable now anyways…but ya, I guess that could be something to do. And it would be my first “real job” in a long time since I started relying on poker to keep a steady cashflow….which I have kind of abandoned the past 5 months or so now anyways and have been living off of the remains of.

soooooooo I dunno. A lot of I dunnos right now. It’s probably a mix of culture shock, although I don’t think “shock” is a really good word for it. I’m not really in “shock” or whatever…it’s actually a pretty clear thing in my head…I can’t really describe what I mean here, nor would it be coherent, so I’m not going to try…but I think it’s a mix of “that” and me just trying to understand what I want to do with my life and what God wants me to do with it. Interpreting sux, especially when you haven’t listened often in the past…I guess it’s a process. Something I def. need work on..lol.

Enough introspection.

29/133 files now, weeee….

Oh, I know I mentioned Jeff got home fine, but I think it’s important to keep him in mind…as he is still sick and I believe will be going to the hospital Saturday morning to get more tests done. Hopefully what he has or had will be completely taken care of ASAP.

Also John, if you are reading this I wanna say thanks again for the trip…allowing me to come. It was a really cool and good time with you, jeff, and allison; I hope it is something we can do again. Seriously, I really was touched by the trip, the people there, Asia’s Hope… and am looking forward to doing what I can, whatever it may be — big or small –, to continue/contribute/grow etc etc.

lol, now im getting way to emotional. I don’t think I cried once while I was there (ooh wait I remember one time) but I feel like it now. Anyways, I’ll wrap this one up with a few pictures…and since I didn’t get to upload anything while I was there I’ll probably have a few more blogs strictly related to pictures and videos…and hopefully some more reflective thoughts on Cambodia and the trip and not just my incoherent ramblings.

I’m probably beating a dead horse here, but please remind the kids there when you leave that I miss them and will be one more person praying for them.

Alright, Allison & John…stay healthy.

- Jordan

ps — if you want a direct link to my photobucket, I put it up under the blog roll. All Cambodia pix are under the “cambodia” tab.

At the school. I forgot the boys name on the left. But he and Saran were cool cats.

Metha & his sister Mey Nearng up from a nap.

Little Rosa

Mekong River in the morning

On the road…

Channelling JK, although probably not wise in hindsight.

We just arrived in LA from Taipei. Decent flight; few patches of turbulence but no harm done. We have a long lay over and I plan on catching some NCAA games. We’re off to Chicago next and then onto Columbus. Hopefully our flight from Chi to Columbus fairs better than our flight from Columbus to Philly or wherever when Jeff and I both got sick and made pukey.

I assume I’ll be getting most of my pix and videos on the net over the next few days. As of now, with John and my pix combined we have over 3k. I’m sure once John returns there will be many more.

We also got an upgraded package from a member of Jeff’s church, and now have an “admiral pass” for the rest of the trip. Basically this means we can kick you in the face and then show you our pass and you have to take it. Yea, really.    :>

Seriously though thanks for the “AP” it was a very thoughtful gesture. We can even take a shower…and Jeff needs one, bad.

see ya

- Jordan

Ches!

OK so I’m in a nicer internet cafe now so I s’pose I’ll write a bit more.  A lot has happened since my last ‘real’ update and it is going to be kinda messy going back over it. Oh, a preface…I know I said I’d post pix here in this blog but that has turned into quite a task in itself…all my pix/videos are on John’s laptop and thus make it hard for me to get onto the net cause only a few places allow him to use his laptop and when he does he is usually doing more important things like speaking to family. THUS, I probably won’t get ‘my’ things up till I get home and get all my stuff on my computer. So, until then…

Anyway. What has happened. I’ll go from where I remember leaving…I guess.

John and Jeff did a little outreach dealio thing where about 80 people showed up, students from the student center and their friends they invited, among other people and Jeff did a little teaching and John and I played a few songs at the start. It was a first for me cause I have not ever played in front of people…at least in the situation stated…and I also had just learned the songs — although they were easy — I was still pretty nervous. I don’t really do to well in-front of large groups of people…but I think John sang very well and I didn’t screw anything up, so that is good. Jeff also touched a lot of lives it seems and hopefully more comes from that whole ordeal.

Second “first” for me was witnessing child-prostitution. That was pretty f’d up. John and I walked down the river front and I was playing guitar screwing around while Jeff was in the i-net cafe. We sat down on like a stone wall that was off the road looking out over the river (this was saturday night I believe, after the outreach…yes) and there were a lot of people just around.

I guess there were a group of 5 to 7 girls sitting near us, who were in the age range of…14 – 17ish…I dunno, they were young and it didn’t really enter my mind that they were working until a group of 3 guys came up and one guy got pretty aggressive in looking for a girl. I dunno, it’s hard to really write about cause I don’t know what all to say about it except that I knew it happens here but it caught me off guard witnessing it out in the open like that in a situation where no one cared that it was going on. I’m really trying to watch my language here in describing it..but my God it was fucked up.

Anyway, the one guy that was more aggressive eventually walked off with one of the girls but before I had started playing here i am to worship and john was singing…and he (child-molester/rapist) mentioned how “good” it sounded and “nice” it was. Yea…ok buddy. I honestly am not usually that open or expressive in my beliefs, usually because I don’t really feel worthy or whatever in certain situations…but I’m starting to become more comfortable and accepting even in these kind of spots…like playing that song for instance…probably would never happen(happened?) back home…for a variety of reasons I don’t want to get into now…but at the time I really felt moved to start playing something that meant something..and yea…it was cool cause other people came around to listen and who knows…maybe someone got something out of it and will search…mmk…things I write that are vague and make me sound not so good. lol.

After that, and maybe john will go on in his blog on the night, we all walked around the ‘riverwalk’ where a lot of westerners apparently pick up whatever and played some more songs, or little jams just to give a different mood…or something. I dunno, but it was cool and I think it was pretty cool.

I’m missing a lot here cause I havn’t updated for a while and my memory is shot so bare with me…food is also calling my name so I’m probably bouncing soon…anyways…to contrast that dark night with some good things…I am brought back to the kids from the orphanage and how cool they are.

We all went to the water park here in PP and that was really fun. John and I both got a lot of good pictures there and a lot of great memories that I know will last a lifetime…hopefully more so for the kids. I got more burnt than I thought…which kinda sux but at least I will now just be pale instead of being see-through.

seriously though it’s just insane the differences here. One night I’m mad and depressed/sad and really just praying that my anger won’t erupt and the next day or night or whatever I’m saved cause I spend it with the kids that will be and are being saved from what I’ve encountered on the street…and I’m not even mentioning much more of the other crap that goes on here that I haven’t seen and won’t see…so I’m pretty sure what I’ve “seen” is all PG-13 rated. I’m rambling now but I think it’s important to understand that there is a lot going on here and if you just concentrate on the negative you miss out on the positive. And maybe if you just concentrate on the negative you never believe that change can be made. I dunno…maybe that’s why change is so slow to be made. Enough philosophy…I’m going to the eat some pizza or something…and then tomorrow I believe we are going to baptize the kids…well…at least john/jeff are….and I think I will be as well.  I’ve never been baptized…but I figure this would be the time to do so.

Jeff is also wrestling with some sickness/fatigue; it is not serious but pray that he feels better enough to enjoy the rest of his time here and feel OK for the long travel home.

- Jordan

uh-huh

internet is slow and annoying me; as are the bugs in this cafe so here is my update:

i’m alive.

 - Jordan